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Another Low Point: Resentful

Ugh, I've hit another low point.  Stupid post pregnancy done fucked me up.  I'm struggling with everything.  2-3 years of progress fuckin gone.  Lose clothes are now tighter thane ever.  I'm still working on eating healthy, but I just don't have the energy to get up and do anything.  I'm winded going up and down my stairs.  My legs are tired all of the time.  How did everything come undone so quickly?   I was doing so good and now it's lost.  I'm a ffat fuck.  I wish I could nust take a saw and cut this shit away.  I'm tired of being fat and unhealthy.

I've been trying and trying and fucking failing.  I was doing so good.  THen I decided to try for a girl and fucked it all up.

I really hope that my husband 's friend knows what I've sacrificing for his health.  I'm sacrificing my health for him.  What do I mean by that?  after work, my husband goes to the gym with him, which means I don't have any time to get outside and get the cardio that I need.  I haven't been able to jog very much this spring because my husband is helping him.  I don't have the energy to go outside with the kids and jalk around the courtyard.  My kids are energy vampires, and they stuck the energy right out of me.  I haven't had the energy to meditate to program my shields to guard against it.

It gets to a point where dude's gotta suck it up and go himself.  Or take his kid to his mom's so he and his wife can go to the gym.

I need my time to work out!  Or it's raining or had rained and my husband's too fuckin stubborn to get new tires so I can feel safe to drive to the park.  Or he's working over on some big project at work and doesn't get home in time for me to get some sun time.  It ain't just A.  It's my husband, too.

I need my support, too.  Obvisously we can't share my husband, because my health gone down the shitter.  It's not solely A's fault.  Nothing about this is.  I need support too.  I need someone to watch the kids so I can go and work out too.  BUt my support and kid watcher is helping him.  He has a wife, why can't she help him?  I need my supporter back.

I'm just so pissed off at myself for allowing myself to regress as badly as I have.  So dispointed and disgusted.  I'm fuking disgusting.

It's me.  I'm the problem.

Honestly my diet hasn't changed that much, I've just been having more cheat days than usual.  Just like the beginning, it's going to take time to get back to where I was.  I just don't get how everything came undone so quickly.  I was doing so good.  Now I'm just angry and on the verge of rage and tears all of the time.  I hate this.  Just give me a saw so I can hack this shit off.  I'm hideous and digustingly fat anyway, what's some more scars, huh?

But I can't just diet, I have to exericise and my home workouts ain't cutting it anymore.  I need better cardio--I need to get out of the house and jalk.  Walk-JOgging is what helps me to lose weight better than anything.

There's still summer.  Hot, sweaty summer.

But if I can't get outside to the park....what's the point?

A fat fucker.  Disgusting.  A giant fucking disappointment.  I hate this.  I feel like I've let people down, but especially myself.

I just want to chop it off and fucking be done with it.

Am I being selfihs?  Wanting to get out to the park to work on my health, while my morbidly obese friend needs to drop weight for surgery, to fucking survive?  I feel like I'm being selfish and I hate that I'm resentful.  He doesn't deserve that negativity, I'm sure he faces enough from himself.  He needs support to keep going, to keep fighting.  Maybe I just need to find someone else to support me.

Excpet no one to watch the kids.  No vehicle.  If I had a vehicle, I'd just take them with me.  We have a jogger stroller.  The kids are active and love to race.  It'd work, but we only have one car.

Hubby and i used to go to the gym together.  Then my mom got a bad injury and wasn't able to watch them anymore.  So hubby and I decided to take turns.  He'd get home from work and watch the kids so I could go to the park.  I'd come home and be with the kids and he'd go to the gym.  But almost everyday, he's going to the gym to work out with A.  I'm home with workouts that are helping, but they're not burning enough fat.  I'm still working out 3-5 times a week, but my clothes are getting tigther.  I'm building muscle, but not burning enough fat.

It's not fair. 

I'm sacrifcing my health for his.  I hope A is working his ass literally off and not taking this for granted.  I hope you're working hard, A.  Working hard through the pain and the cravings. Pushing yourself further and further at the gym and everyday at home.  Make my sacrficie mean something.  Keep pushing, keep fighting the cravings and the laziness.  Drop the weight.  Build the musicle.  Get the surgery to help you live and still be around when your son is a teen or an adult.

I know that I have the ability, I just have to adapt.  Find something that works for me, since I can't get out and go to the park right now.  Keep working on refining my diet and routines.